Convict Carts

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Responding to customer complaints that the wheels of their shopping carts frequently vibrate, making maneuvering the carts difficult, Safeway today announced a solution to the problem.

In a press conference, Safeway CEO Steve Burd and Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales together promised to put an end to the problem of annoying shopping carts while saving the U.S. taxpayer millions of dollars in prison reform. The program, dubbed “Convict Carts” will see thousands of low and medium risk offenders currently housed in federal penitentiaries, assigned to shopping carts in Safeway stores.

Burd acknowledged the mounting frustration of shoppers. “I know it drives me nuts,” Burd confessed. “You push the cart toward the broccoli and it veers off to the candy isle. It’s like the damn things have a mind of their own.”

Ironically, under the new arrangement, the carts will have a mind of their own.

A prisoner will be chained to the lower portion of the cart and told to keep the wheels stable while a shopper pushes the cart. Prisoners will be allowed the occasional washroom break, and will subsist on food scraps and crumbs from the store’s floor.

The Attorney General assured listeners that all precautions were being taken to ensure the safety of shoppers. “Each prisoner will be confined to a cage beneath the cart, similar to a dog crate. The cages will be made of heavy gage steel and equipped with padlocks. An armed guard will visit each store once a day to release the prisoners and allow them to take a washroom break.”

When asked if this constitutes cruel and inhumane treatment, Gonzales shrugged. “We realize this may not sit well with some human rights activists,” Gonzales admitted. “But desperate times call for desperate measures. We can simply no longer afford to house and feed prisoners. And shoppers refuse to use bad carts. This solves both problems.”

Burd agreed, calling Convict Carts a win-win proposal. “There are more than 2 million inmates in state facilities. And there are millions of bad shopping carts in Safeway stores. Rather than spend the money repairing or replacing those carts, and passing those costs on to consumers who are already paying taxes to house the inmates, we eliminate both costs at the same time.”

“Safeway has always been at the forefront of innovative and inspired solutions to vexing problems and will continue to be so,” Burd said. Hinting that other programs were in the works, he concluded, “Just wait till you see what we’re going to do to solve the problem of the high-risk offenders. I can’t tell you now, but I will say, watch the meat department!”

Note: This report is humor and is not meant to be taken seriously. You did know that, right?

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