Improving Sports

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Here are some suggestions for improving professional sports. The big problem with sports is that they consume too much time. But there are ways to fix that. We can also make them more enjoyable for people who actually have neurons that work.


  • Get rid of the padding and equipment. If they’re afraid of getting hurt (ah, poor babies) they shouldn’t be playing in the first place.
  • If a player gets injured and he can’t play, too bad! He shouldn’t be replaced with another player in the same game. If a team runs out of players, tough luck! They should have been more careful.
  • Make the football field shorter. All that running is a waste of time.
  • Add more cheerleaders and keep the TV cameras focused on them, not on the under-educated over-paid jocks.
  • The pre-game show – forget it! Just let us watch the game and get it over with.
  • The post game show – I don’t need a couple of half-wits to tell me about the game I’ve just seen. Instead, show a highlight of the cheerleaders’ performance, interviews with them in the hot tub, lingerie shows. You get the picture.
  • The half time shows – gone. There is no half time. The improved games don’t last long enough to need one.


  • Drop the puck once and see who can get it in the net first. End of game.
  • Like improved football, injured players are not replaced.
  • Cheerleaders. They have them in Finland.


  • Nine innings is too much. They only need one. Each team gets a chance and that’s it.
  • Three strikes are a waste of time. One is plenty. If you miss the ball, tough!
  • Cheerleaders.


  • One hole.
  • Why do they take turns? They don’t take turns in hockey. Have all the players play at once.
  • Make it a contact sport.
  • Cheerleaders.

All Sports

  • Pay the players less. They should be playing for the love of the game, not to put their ungrateful kids through university and not to buy a new Porsche that they’re only going to total when they’re plastered. We all know that half their money goes for drugs and hookers anyway.
  • Did I mention cheerleaders?

I’m sure that if we can convince the sports world to adopt these rational and logical improvements, we’ll all be much better off. For one thing, there’ll be more time for Pinky and The Brain and Star Trek … and cheerleaders.

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