Neighbors From Hell – It’s time to move

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The day our next door neighbor moved in, a lovely woman we’ll call Psycho for reasons that will become evident, her kids threw garbage over the fence into our back yard. This was an ill omen, a sign of things to come.

The family consists of Psycho, an early 40’s MILF wannabe, who runs around in low-cut tops, tight jeans, or short shorts. Her eldest daughter, Slut Face, was in her late teens when they first moved in. The next girl, Brat Face, was in her early teens. The two twin boys, the Holy Terrors, were about 11 or 12.

While Psycho would be out working, Slut Face and Brat Face would have their boyfriends over and they’d hang around in the back yard drinking beer and smoking weed. Sometimes the girls would go out too and leave their little brothers home alone to wreak havoc on the neighborhood, like a double dose of Macaulay Culkin.

Eventually one of our neighbors across the street got fed up with the Holy Terrors trashing the neighborhood and called the Children’s Aid Society. Good move, except Psycho thought we had done it and in a drunken tirade left a note in our mailbox telling us to mind our own business or eat poo and die. Yes, poo.

Thank you for leaving the physical evidence. We showed it to the police and they informed her that that sort of behavior wouldn’t be tolerated.

Their next feat of brilliance occurred when Slut Face’s boyfriend, Doofus, would come and spend the night and park his car on our lawn. We asked him not to, politely, explaining that it wasn’t good for the grass. That was like reasoning with a Chihuahua, except a Chihuahua can be trained.

Eventually Slut Face got pregnant and moved out with Doofus. That meant Brat Face was now ready to graduate to Slut Face Junior, and graduate she did. We found out later, from a neighbor who’s daughter went to school with Slut Face Junior, that she got pregnant in her mother’s bed, had an abortion, and then got pregnant again.

Meanwhile the Holy Terrors continue their acts of senseless mayhem, with acts of genius like trampling our flower garden and ripping up the front lawn with their twin pocket bikes. A couple of times they’ve egged our house. Well, to be precise, we thought they had egged our house. It turned out they were only helping their mother; it was her idea. That was about as nice as draining her pool into our backyard.

We’re thinking of moving, since it seems they won’t.

Some updates …

One afternoon we heard splashing sounds. We expected to look out and see the Holy Terrors splashing pool water at each other. Instead, we saw Psycho swimming in her slime-filled pool. Ewww! Then she did a hand-stand in the water. She was naked. Double Ewww! This was at about four in the afternoon, when any neighborhood kid could have been looking out his window.

A few months later there was a knock at the door. It was the police asking if we had a key for the neighbors house. Of course, we didn’t. They went back to Psycho’s house and started knocking. No answer. They pounded. Still no answer. Two more officers arrived. They pounded some more. Then they broke the glass of the window beside the door and went inside. We heard shouting … from Psycho. After a few minutes the police led her away in handcuffs. We got it on video. Sweet!

After being arrested, Psycho was away for few weeks. When she returned, we’re pretty sure she was under house arrest; she didn’t leave the house for a month and her only visitors were her mother with bags of food and a delivery man dropping off cases of beer.

A few months after that she moved out. We knew it was coming. She had been putting out a lot of junk for the trash. When the landlord came to inspect the house after she had left, he found holes kicked in all the walls, broken glass under some of the carpets, and missing floorboards. The Holy Terrors had torn out the floorboards to use as bicycle ramps.

So, at long last we have peace. Until the next psychos move in …

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