Pointless Mission Statements

It's sad how some companies put such emphasis on mission statements that say so little. Consider the following. These are actual mission statements from actual companies, showing how actually lame these businesses are.

"We will build our future success on the strengths of our people (until we no longer need them, at which point we'll lay them off without so much as a thank you), our customer relationships (we'll take them out for lunch and then cover it by padding the invoice), and our technology (but not on the intelligence of our management team). We will create value for our customers (or rather FROM our customers) and shareholders (we'd better, or the board of directors will turf us without so much as a thank you) by expanding possibilities and providing effective solutions (what other kind of solutions are there?). We will continue to innovate within and beyond existing markets and technologies (we're going to hire Hogwarts graduates)."

How about this one:

"Our priority is to satisfy every customer, every time, through outstanding, personalized service! We are dedicated to the customer experience and are constantly evaluating how we can improve this experience."

Be honest. You're dedicated to making money, just like every other business. You need to satisfy your customers but you only do that to make money.

Another:

"Our mission at INSERT COMPANY NAME HERE always will be to serve our customers better than anyone else could serve them (because if we don't they'll spend their money elsewhere). We will provide our customers with value through our products and services (how else would we do it?), committing ourselves to providing the quality, variety and convenience they expect (again, because if we don't, they'll go elsewhere)."

Here's Microsoft's mission statement:

"At Microsoft, we work to help people and businesses throughout the world realize their full potential. This is our mission. Everything we do reflects this mission and the values that make it possible."

Oh, come on! You're a money machine! Everything you do reflects your greed. The Windows Genuine Advantage was to help people realize their full potential? I think not. And I think the European Economic Commission agrees with me.

Here are some other gems.

Wal-Mart: "To give ordinary folk the chance to buy the same thing as rich people."

Let's be realistic, Paris Hilton does not buy her panties at Wal-Mart. Oh, wait. Paris Hilton doesn't buy panties anywhere.

Mary Kay Cosmetics: "To give unlimited opportunity to women."

And to hell with men, apparently. Smart, Mary. You just alienated half your potential customers. True, men buy much less makeup than women. But maybe you'd do better to see that as an untapped market. At one time men didn't buy much hair color but that hasn't stopped L'Oreal from making a bundle off them. Wake up and smell the testosterone, Mary!

There is one mission statement we actually like, maybe because it's so pure and simple.

Walt Disney: "To make people happy."

Ok, now that is fun.